My Story
When I was 16yrs old I told my dad, a Nigerian, Catholic, Igbo redcap-chief, that I liked girls and boys. He looked me directly in the eye and offered, “Nne, it’s probably a phase.” And I believed him because it’s what kids do.
While I grew up knowing that I like girls, I did what my parents and the rest of the world expected of me. I married a man, tried to “live happily ever after,” and went about my business. Then I had my first child whom we assigned a male gender based solely on the external genitals.
*From the age of 2 or 3, I suspected my child was gay. I also knew that my ex-husband, like most Nigerians, was intensely homophobic and somewhere deep inside, my heart sank.
I worried about my kid. I pleaded with God to NOT make my child gay. I cried and I hurt and worried some more. And yet, my go-to words of admonishment for her throughout her childhood were: “Stop acting like a girl!” You see, I didn’t want the world to reject or bully my child.
Au contraire, I was her first bully, and I was the first to reject her. I worried myself sick about what would people say: my friends, my extended family, the Catholic church. How would these people whom I held so dearly react? How would they treat me and my child? And most importantly, how would I respond?
I was so consumed with my “worriation” that I didn’t remember that my child also had feelings. I forgot that she was also going through her own stuff. She was also trying to become her authentic self, trying to understand what was going on, and why her parents were anything but affirming and supportive.
I realize now just how hard that must have been for her.
When I was 16yrs old I told my dad, a Nigerian, Catholic, Igbo redcap-chief, that I liked girls and boys. He looked me directly in the eye and offered, “Nne, it’s probably a phase.” And I believed him because it’s what kids do.
While I grew up knowing that I like girls, I did what my parents and the rest of the world expected of me. I married a man, tried to “live happily ever after,” and went about my business. Then I had my first child whom we assigned a male gender based solely on the external genitals.
*From the age of 2 or 3, I suspected my child was gay. I also knew that my ex-husband, like most Nigerians, was intensely homophobic and somewhere deep inside, my heart sank.
I worried about my kid. I pleaded with God to NOT make my child gay. I cried and I hurt and worried some more. And yet, my go-to words of admonishment for her throughout her childhood were: “Stop acting like a girl!” You see, I didn’t want the world to reject or bully my child.
Au contraire, I was her first bully, and I was the first to reject her. I worried myself sick about what would people say: my friends, my extended family, the Catholic church. How would these people whom I held so dearly react? How would they treat me and my child? And most importantly, how would I respond?
I was so consumed with my “worriation” that I didn’t remember that my child also had feelings. I forgot that she was also going through her own stuff. She was also trying to become her authentic self, trying to understand what was going on, and why her parents were anything but affirming and supportive.
I realize now just how hard that must have been for her.
At the age of 12, I asked her if she was gay. “I am not sure,” was the response I received, because sometimes, our kids simply aren’t sure what is happening, themselves. But, at 16, she helped establish the Gender-Sexuality Alliance at her high school.
Fast forward to the Summer of 2020, at the graduation from Stanford University, the announcer kept saying “they” this and “them” that while referring to my kiddo. That was the day I discovered that my child identified as nonbinary, using they/them pronouns.
As she expected, I reacted poorly and I pushed back.
I struggled with accepting the entire new pronouns thing. My stance hurt my child so much that our relationship became very strained. Eventually, we went head-to-head one sunny afternoon and that was when I was told words that cut deep into my heart; “Mom, it’s not about you!”
Words that I will never forget!
As a result of that encounter, I started thinking and re-evaluating my entire outlook on life. I realized that in truth, I had made the entire thing about me. And it also hit me that I couldn’t be alone in this, there must be other parents also struggling with the same.
As a pediatrician, I know that suicide is common in the LGBTQ+ community, particularly amongst transgender youth. I also know that African American children aged 5 to 12 are twice as likely as their White counterparts to die by suicide.
So, why did I react that way I did? What were my thoughts about the transgender community? And where did those thoughts originate from? Why is our default stance that of unbelief and pushback? SOCIETY!
As an LGBTQ+ youth advocate, I know the role that parental support plays in ameliorating the mental health struggles and suicidal behavior amongst these youth. And that was why I took the bold step to quit medicine and focus on advocacy and support for Q+ youth, particularly Black gender diverse youth, by working with their parents, because I now understand that parents are not only the most important, but also the most influential persons in their kids’ lives.
Parental non-acceptance is one of the key reasons these children have a hard time living authentically. It contributes to self-harm, substance abuse, homelessness and even suicide.
I am now partnering with parents of LGBTQ+ kids who are needing support along their affirmation journey. I walk hand in hand with you along your journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and understanding. I found these traits to be fundamental to your role as an ally for your LGBTQ+ child(ren).
I become your trusted confidant and accountability partner. I will work with you to create a safe space in your hearts, in your homes and in your child’s world. You go from afraid, confused, sad, anxious, and even overwhelmed to becoming the parent your child will be proud of.
